"I've been surprised by the talent," guest judge Neil Patrick Harris declared during Wednesday's American Idol auditions in Texas. Really, Neil? The one major surprise Idol gave us last night was a cold and bitchy turn from the How I Met Your Mother star and effervescent host of last year's Emmys. Otherwise, things went according to plan: The sob stories got gold tickets, the freaks were freaky, and no one pronounced Kara's name correctly.

How unpleasant was our beloved NPH. How strangely detached. When he began the episode by saying, "My goal today, Kara, is to shatter the dreams of thousands," I thought he was being ironic. But as soon as Julie Kevelighan, a reject from Season 1, returned to inflict more damage, it became clear Neil meant business. Watching a desperate Julie sing her way out the door, he remarked, "Do you think that's gonna help? That's just annoying." Maybe he's gunning for Simon's job?

And what about the contestants? There were a few pleasant—well, I won't call them surprises. Lloyd Thomas was introduced as a humble dock worker with two precious daughters: Raise your hand if you called his awesomeness? I guess I was semi-taken aback by Kimberly Carver, who sang an original song that was actually good. Neil liked it, Simon didn't, and Ryan played up the "rivalry" between them. I didn't buy it, suspecting some good editing. The best part, though, was Kimberly's reaction: "Thank God for Neil Patrick Harris. I'm gonna have to go back and watch Doogie Howser again." Somebody's a little behind on their TV viewing.

More crap contestants, more tears, more overblown Seacrest voiceover. "Many of the big dreams of Dallas hopefuls suddenly came to an end," he intoned, "making it difficult to take it all in." I did like Dave Pittman, the contestant with Tourette's, or—as Neil called it—the "elephant in the room." Here's where I'd say how tired I am of these hard-knock stories, but I realize they're integral to Idol's appeal. Everyone wants to see the underdog make it big, and sure, I was happy Dave had been able to overcome his condition. But do we need to get all serious-montage about it? I'm just saying.